meditation

I've felt the need to sit and be still. My heart has longed for silence. Tears have welled up in my eyes for no reason or no known reason. Christmas is a time of reflection and new beginnings and I always find myself evaluating my life during this season. This year I have been running here and there and doing and going so much that I haven't spent time with myself or God. I have been ignoring my hearts desire to speak to God.

For the past few weeks I have felt a strange ache in my heart. I find myself wanting to go to a quiet place and pray, but my mind or my body is also rebelling against this urge. There is a tug of war going on inside me between my heart and my mind. It's ripping me apart at the seams that connect me.

I've stopped a few times and prayed. I've stopped a few times and let my heart speak. It's helped me to stay a little sane. I don't want to fight this war. I want to find peace and balance.

I went to church at a Catholic church. My family is Methodist and I don't know why I felt called to go there, but I went and the first time I went the priest talked about forgiveness and suicide and all of these things that my heart needed to hear and that my mind needed to analyze. I had to hold back tears. The second time I went the priest told me that I was worthy. I needed to hear that. I cried again. I'm not a crier. This is a strange phenomenon for me, but it felt right. The tears were so real. I felt like I was coming home after being away for years. It was beautiful and yet I still can't wrap myself around it. I want it and I want to run from it. I'm afraid to be seen by God for who I really am. I know that He sees me. I know that He has seen every scar and every mark on my body. HE knows me. There is nothing to be afraid of. I've lost everything and He's still here with me.

Peace and love,

Laina

Change

I have posted on another blog that I will be attending the University of St. Thomas in the Spring. This is big news for me. But what's important about this for this blog is the reactions I have received from my family concerning this subject.

My dad is normally the realist or so he says. I say he's a pessimist, but the point is he is never on board with my plans or my dreams. I have learned to go ahead with my plans regardless of his opinion, but it's not easy. I have been putting off talking to him about my plans to go back to Minneapolis for the past month because I've been afraid of his reaction. I've been afraid of having to argue my reasoning and arguing it to the point that I don't even believe myself that it's possible. I finally decided to talk to my dad last night. The beginning of the conversation went as I thought it might. A few questions and some serious doubting in his tone. He didn't argue though, he just asked questions. We took a break from the conversation for a bit. He took a shower and I waited. He came back into our den where I was working out and asked if I was excited. I was shocked by the question. He never talks about feelings or hopes or anything and he asked if I was excited. I answered yes, of course. My mom and he and I decided to go to the movies. We got in my car and he explained himself. He went on to say that he wanted me to take from the conversation only what would benefit me. He said that really his opinion doesn't matter because it's my life and while what he says is said only in love he realizes that it's not always helpful for me to listen to him. I was shocked to hear this. He's never said anything like this before. For the next thirty minutes we discussed the possibilities and the possible difficulties.

My observation of this conversation is that my dad and I have a come a long ways. A few years ago we might have yelled at each other and said really horrible things if put in this situation. It says so much that we could talk without things getting heated. My dad has changed. I have changed. I was able to listen and take in what he said without letting it effect my decision. He was able to talk to me as an adult.

I went to church again this morning. My observation is that my preacher doesn't know the fundamentals of what Methodists believe. He also referred to himself as a salesman, saying that he's not suppose to be a manager for people. I found this quite strange. Most preachers think of themselves as shepherds or leaders at least. Salesmen are people who sell cars. I guess he thinks he's selling Jesus to people. So is Jesus like a new car?? From what I've gathered, Jesus is a person seeking a relationship with us. He is not something to be sold. He is someone to talk to and to get to know and to listen to. He's called us to be disciples not salesmen. There is a big difference. This goes beyond my observation of course because as I have said in the past an observation is just something that is seen or heard or noticed, not something to be judged. I guess I am judging this. It's difficult not to. It's difficult to sit in a congregation of people who want to be lead towards Christ and listen to the supposed leader mislead them. It's also difficult to hear him talk about Christianity and Christ falsely.

Other observations: I am feeling somewhat reserved about going to St. Thomas. I'm worried about it. I'm worried that I'll go and fall flat on my face; meaning I'll fail a class or have to drop out or get bad grades....and the list goes on. Because I know that I am feeling this way, I am trying to live in this moment and not worry so much. I think that worrying is wasted time. It's one thing to plan for the future. It's another thing to constantly think about it to the point that it might impair my functioning. I also want to enjoy this moment. I want to take the next weeks to spend time with friends and family before I leave for Minnesota. I want to prepare myself in every way, but I also want to take time to enjoy the ride.

Here's to enjoying the ride,

Laina

Celebrations

Tonight my parents are throwing a Christmas party. They spend $100's on food and they spend days getting ready. A party is a great way to enjoy the company of friends, but what are we celebrating? What are they celebrating? This is suppose to be a Christmas party for their business, but what differentiates this party from any other party? My dad spends a little more money on steaks and the people invited have never been to our house before. The even is Christmas, but it's likely that no one will even pray before the meal. Christ will be the last person on anyones mind. Everyone will be concerned with etiquette and the amount of money in their Christmas bonus.

I would like a celebration to be a true celebration. Let's forget about the money and the food and focus on the relationships we have with each other. Let's think about others for once, let's think about the birth of Christ and what He means in our lives. Let's have a meaningful conversation. But this is how I am. I like deep conversations about life and philosophy and art and the fabric that weaves our lives together. I hate inane chatter. It's boring. It's pointless.

Moving onward from this to other....other being some observations. I have noticed that I hardly talk to people around me. I am afraid to talk about my dreams or my thoughts about life with my family. I think that they will judge me and disregard what I say because I'm me. They have these prejudices against me and the prejudice gets in the way of what I say and think. I have prejudices as well towards them. They may change but in my mind they are the same. I don't trust them because of the past. It's not fair for me to withhold information from them based on my past experiences. I am the person who has changed. What they say in response to me should not deter me from speaking. I'm learning to live without the acceptance of others. That's what it comes down to. I want to be accepted and they probably won't accept me if they know what I'm thinking or what I want to do in my life. Their opinion of me shouldn't matter. If I am secure in myself and I know who I am (or as much as I can know who I am), then what they say and do is separate from who I am.

Wake up

That's a common theme in the new book I am reading by Anthony de Mello called Awaken. He continually uses the words 'wake up.' This is a place where I will describe observations. Observations I make about me, about the world around me, about the people around me. As you can see it's mostly about me because the only perspective I can truly describe is my perspective. Understand that my perspective is not always my own. I am conditioned by the environment I live in the people who raised me, but here I will attempt to detangle myself from their views and their influences. I will try to see beyond what is me into who I am.

Observation:

Most of my reactions and decisions are based on other people. I decide to take my blood sugar because I want the support of my doctor. I decide to clean my room because I want my parents to think I'm responsible. I try to lose weight to be accepted by the people around me. I imprison myself with the expectations of others. I label myself and I live within these labels. I say that I am a diabetic and I am an eating disorder and I am a student and I am a daughter and I say that I am all of these things but these are not who I am. These labels are placed on me by society and people. 'I' is a person and a child of God. That's all that I can say about 'I'. 'Me' on the other hand is all of the masks that people see. This what I have interpreted from the book. Part of awareness is becoming I instead of me. It's stepping away from the labels and the perceived expectations to 'be'. It's also viewing myself from a distance. Observing my reactions and my actions and not judging them, but understanding them for exactly what they are. Awareness is reality.

I find it difficult to be 'aware' at all times without judgement. I have this false notion that if I judge or analyze a situation or action or person or decision that my label and judgement of this said thing will protect me. I will have a better knowledge of the situation and my knowledge will prepare me for anything. Knowledge is not a bad thing, but it doesn't prepare a person for everything and it can't protect me from anything.

If I am going to attempt this new state of awareness I must go into it without judgement and with love for myself and others. This will be difficult at first because all of my defense mechanisms are still in tact and I'll try to use them. For me to be truly aware, I must stop using my defense mechanisms because they distort reality. Also, awareness and analyzation are two different things. Awareness is just observation. As I said, no judgement. Analyzation is a drawn out process of 'what if's' and judgement of 'what if' situations. 'What if' play outs....aren't real.

So this is my awareness segment for the day and we'll see what new things I'll be aware of tomorrow.

Peace,

Laina