meditation

I've felt the need to sit and be still. My heart has longed for silence. Tears have welled up in my eyes for no reason or no known reason. Christmas is a time of reflection and new beginnings and I always find myself evaluating my life during this season. This year I have been running here and there and doing and going so much that I haven't spent time with myself or God. I have been ignoring my hearts desire to speak to God.

For the past few weeks I have felt a strange ache in my heart. I find myself wanting to go to a quiet place and pray, but my mind or my body is also rebelling against this urge. There is a tug of war going on inside me between my heart and my mind. It's ripping me apart at the seams that connect me.

I've stopped a few times and prayed. I've stopped a few times and let my heart speak. It's helped me to stay a little sane. I don't want to fight this war. I want to find peace and balance.

I went to church at a Catholic church. My family is Methodist and I don't know why I felt called to go there, but I went and the first time I went the priest talked about forgiveness and suicide and all of these things that my heart needed to hear and that my mind needed to analyze. I had to hold back tears. The second time I went the priest told me that I was worthy. I needed to hear that. I cried again. I'm not a crier. This is a strange phenomenon for me, but it felt right. The tears were so real. I felt like I was coming home after being away for years. It was beautiful and yet I still can't wrap myself around it. I want it and I want to run from it. I'm afraid to be seen by God for who I really am. I know that He sees me. I know that He has seen every scar and every mark on my body. HE knows me. There is nothing to be afraid of. I've lost everything and He's still here with me.

Peace and love,

Laina