full of emotion

Many changes have come my way in the past month. I know that I have written about some of them, but what I want to be aware of as I go through these changes is my emotions and my thoughts. I want to be fully open to new ideas and new experiences.

In the past I have kept myself from new experiences b/c of my own prejudgement of the experience. I don't want to prejudge anything. I want to jump in, knowing that no matter what happens there are constants in my life that will never change. The only true constant for me.....is God. He will love tomorrow and the next day and the millionth day after that....and He loves me now. I can't change this and nothing that happens to me will change this. When I go through changes in life I am always looking for a constant in the midst of the changes. I found it and to make it through the changes I have to anchor myself to God.

I also have to be aware of my mental and emotional being. I have to make sure that I am not shutting down and building walls to keep people and God out of my life. This is going to take effort and awareness. I know that I am already in the prejudgement mode. I'm in a new place and I'm at a new school. I need to place myself in this moment and enjoy this moment.

I'm going to push myself to go beyond my comfort level. I am glad to say that I have been communicating with new people and I have been making decisions that are the exact opposite of ones I have made in my past. I want these changes and I want to be transformed by God in these new experiences....so now I will open my mind to new possibilities.

that's all for now...here's to awareness,

Laina

Challenging Changes

I am in the process of change. It's painful. I don't know why it's painful but I feel the pain in my soul. That sounds dramatic, maybe overly dramatic. I have been stuck in my head for the past month or more thus my absence on here. When I am in my mind I spin in circles and I am unaware of the world around me.

Back to my process of change. I am moving from Texas to Minnesota. I made a similar move last year, but for very different reasons. Last year I moved to go to treatment for my eating disorder. This year I am moving to go to school again. I am excited and nervous and scared all at the same time. All of the emotions I am feeling have rendered me somewhat paralyzed. I know the steps I need to take to get myself to MN but I find me holding me back. I want to stay and I want to go. I want to go because I have these big dreams and I believe that going out there in the world gives me a better chance to reach my dreams. I want to stay because there are people I love here. My parents are here and my grandparents and my animals and my brother isn't far away, but they will always be here, a phone call away.

I've observed that I'm a sensitive person. I'm a very sensitive person. I feel so much. I've tried to deny this part of me my entire life and it's only hurt me. It's only led me to deny myself. Over Christmas I literally felt my soul crying out to me. It felt as if it was begging me to listen to it. I felt this strange need to sit with myself and just be still. Be quiet. As I sat in the quiet of my room a picture came to me of myself crying to me. It was so strange. I was in a black room all alone crying to myself. I realized after seeing this image that I need to be more gentle with myself. I need to listen my body and it's needs. The soul is connected to the body and the mind and the heart. They are all connected. I have tried to separate them and now my soul is crying.

These are just a few of the observations I have made recently I have many more to write about since I have been gone for a while, but I need rest.

Laina