Wake up

That's a common theme in the new book I am reading by Anthony de Mello called Awaken. He continually uses the words 'wake up.' This is a place where I will describe observations. Observations I make about me, about the world around me, about the people around me. As you can see it's mostly about me because the only perspective I can truly describe is my perspective. Understand that my perspective is not always my own. I am conditioned by the environment I live in the people who raised me, but here I will attempt to detangle myself from their views and their influences. I will try to see beyond what is me into who I am.

Observation:

Most of my reactions and decisions are based on other people. I decide to take my blood sugar because I want the support of my doctor. I decide to clean my room because I want my parents to think I'm responsible. I try to lose weight to be accepted by the people around me. I imprison myself with the expectations of others. I label myself and I live within these labels. I say that I am a diabetic and I am an eating disorder and I am a student and I am a daughter and I say that I am all of these things but these are not who I am. These labels are placed on me by society and people. 'I' is a person and a child of God. That's all that I can say about 'I'. 'Me' on the other hand is all of the masks that people see. This what I have interpreted from the book. Part of awareness is becoming I instead of me. It's stepping away from the labels and the perceived expectations to 'be'. It's also viewing myself from a distance. Observing my reactions and my actions and not judging them, but understanding them for exactly what they are. Awareness is reality.

I find it difficult to be 'aware' at all times without judgement. I have this false notion that if I judge or analyze a situation or action or person or decision that my label and judgement of this said thing will protect me. I will have a better knowledge of the situation and my knowledge will prepare me for anything. Knowledge is not a bad thing, but it doesn't prepare a person for everything and it can't protect me from anything.

If I am going to attempt this new state of awareness I must go into it without judgement and with love for myself and others. This will be difficult at first because all of my defense mechanisms are still in tact and I'll try to use them. For me to be truly aware, I must stop using my defense mechanisms because they distort reality. Also, awareness and analyzation are two different things. Awareness is just observation. As I said, no judgement. Analyzation is a drawn out process of 'what if's' and judgement of 'what if' situations. 'What if' play outs....aren't real.

So this is my awareness segment for the day and we'll see what new things I'll be aware of tomorrow.

Peace,

Laina